true love

Have you ever loved someone and they never knew? Have you ever told them after many years? It is hard for me to move on. I have been in love with only one person in my entire life. I have loved but its never true. My heart is with one person alone. I thought in the past i was over him and he was just a middle school crush but it so more than that. I finally told him how i truly feel. It was awkward but its done. The secret has been locked in my heart, soul, and mind for too long. He was rather surprised. He never even knew. I am good at keeping secrets! Although, I don't think this is a good thing. I have always dreamed of getting married but when it comes down to it, I cant. I know we shouldn't live in the past but i cant let go. I feel so empty even though i have someone. I know something is missing and it will always be missing. I have searched throughout the years to find the same thing that he gave me in the past. My results don't ever compare. My fear is that i will never get over it and wont ever move on. If i could redo anything in my life, it would be where i let him go. My heart aches for those feelings. Love, respect, feeling good about who you are, and Happiness. The laughing, smiling, fun, being yourself kind of happiness. Will i ever find it with out my true love? I may seem obsessed with this guy but if someone made you feel the way he makes me feel, to this day, you would want it as well. I seem as if we are back in school at the football game where we first met. I remember this bear he gave me with a ruby heart necklace around the bears neck. I remember lying on his trampoline late at night. We held each other close while gazing at the stars. I remember when i left my shoes by the door so his mother knew i spent the night because of my damn shoes. I remember going to his grandmas house for Christmas, i believe, and his mother introducing me as her future daughter in law. I really took this to heart. I love his family. I'm not sure over the years if they still love me but they did then and i think that's all that matters. In my heart and in my mind anyways. I remember when i would go to his house in Wayland and stay there all day until i absolutely had to go home. Early mornings and late nights. These are the days to remember. I remember the times he would come to his grandmas to visit and i would do anything to make sure i was there to see him. He would always cook me something no matter what time it was. I remember the times he would try to teach me how to shoot pool. I knew what he was saying but i just didn't have the patience to do it his way. Id just shoot at whatever ball was close to the pocket in hopes it would go in. I remember when we went to the park, it was cold and had rained. I went down the slide because i thought it would be fun and my butt was soaked. I remember when i invited him to Tri-State Rodeo and my aunt made him sleep outside next to the fire. I felt so bad and still do to this day. There are many other memories i have shared with him but i think these are the ones which stick out the most. I remember when he asked me, if i move to Illinois will you wait for me? I replied, YES! Well i told him as well, i am still waiting. There is a hole in my life and he is the missing link.

first sleep over

It is Wednesday, March 25, 2009. Gavins first sleep over and we are staying at grandmas awaiting brookes flight in to des moines on Thursday. We watched a movie, had supper, and kept grandma awake most of the night. Overall it was fun and Gavin did great.

road trip

Yesterday, Mom, Matt, Gavin, and I all set out on a mission. We are picking Brooke and Jaymee up from Des Moines Airport and anticipating her reaction to Gavin.

Mom welcomed her and she ran passed me because gavin must be more important.

I am so glad Brooke is finally able to spend time with him after 11 weeks. Our trip back from the airport consisted of story telling, gossiping, laughing, and more laughing. It was fun and exhausting all in one.

snowbull 2009

Wow, what an AWESOME year! These cowboys put on a great show well with the help of the bulls of course. One that you had to stay and watch every single ride. Whether you were dying of thirst or about to pee your pants, your eyes stayed on the arena floor. I had a blast and i dont think i will ever, unless by chance i get to go to PBR, see another show like this again. Thursday was fun, Friday was better, and Saturday freakin' awesome! They saved the best bulls for Saturday night and they were rank! The cowboys put there best show on as well. Cowboys were coming off the bulls as if they were in the olympics. It was so weird. They werent just falling off as they normally would. One leg would cross over and they would do back flips, front flips, and 180s. A cowboy from Fort Madison came off in front of the bull and he literally tore his pants right off his body. The bull fighters were awesome as well. They are always right there when the cowboy falls. I remember a couple of them getting tossed like a chicken salad. The best ride of the night was the champion of the BOA events. He rode his bull but right before the buzzer went off he was slipping and the bull was trying to get him. He made it to the fence and as he jumped on the fence the bull picked him up and tossed him. He was still hanging on so basically he did a hand stand right in front of us. I thought I was gonna catch me a cowboy. Through all this he didnt even know if he made the 8 seconds. All the sudden the score came in and the crowd went WILD....84 POINTS!

Then we went to the after party at Fun City. You would think that the after party would consist of drinking and dancing. Well not for these cowboys! Matt and our friend Leon as well as a few of our other friends decided to go racing! We spent an hour just waiting for them to race their stupid go carts. I just wanted to jam to music and have a couple drinks and they were more concerned with getting in a 7 car pile up! Now that was worth seeing. They all ended up in a mangled heap in the back stretch. I know there had to be a way for some of them to go around but purposly ran into whoever they could get tangled with. So it was boring while we waited on them to have their turn but while watching them it was pretty fun! It was worth it.

Finally, we get to the actual after party. It consists of music, cowboys, cowgirls, and BEER! I know there were fakes there like ones who wore button up shirts from the Buckle with jean skirts and flip flops or fake cowboy boots from Vanity. I know there were wanna be cowboys there as well, like PUSS! As for us we know how to ride whether it be horses or bulls and we know how to drink whether it be beer, Jack and coke, or snowcones. As for Matt, I bet you could guess what he drinks! Well if you said Jack and Coke you are right. So, he has Jack and Coke and i had to do something so held onto my drink which is a snowcone. For some weird reason he decided to mix whiskey with sugar. This was the outcome. The sad thing is he convinced Leon to do it as well! Even after seeing his reaction to this discusting mixture.

It was a fun night out and the first time out since Gavin was born. A nice little getaway for a evening. We saw some bulls, sang out the window to people we drove by, got stuck on an elevator, raced some cars, drank some alcoholic beverages, and most importanly to me...DANCED! Matt took me out and we had some slow dancing time. It was fun. The one that meant the most to me was my absolute favorite song of all time...I Cross My Heart by Goerge Straight.

And yes, I am feeling perty good! I am happy and well tipsy. What a good time and I cant wait to have some more fun.

Gavins second month

Gavin had two different stomache bugs in the last month. A good look at the last stomache bug was he figured out the taste of pedialyte. Once we gave him the pedialyte he wasnt willing to go back to the formula. I think he had a sugar high because he wouldnt sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time. Though he was vomiting quite a bit it did not stop his gaining weight. He is now close to 11 pounds! This week he went into his 0-3 outfits. I informed him he was OLD news due to the fact that he is no longer in newborn outfits. I apparently I made him a bit angry becuase he started telling me off in his little baby language. Throwing his arms, kicking his legs, and mumbling those angry infant words. Well he got over it real quick after i told him that he was growing up to be a big boy. We went to see Dr. Atkins this past month. She had some reassuring news. He may not have Long QT Syndrome. She said it may be a phase that she has seen many times before. I am having a genetic test done the end of this month and they will find his gene to test it. They will be able to come up with some solid answers to the future. We are crossing our fingers that it is the phase and not the Syndrome. Although his medicine was increased because his ekg wasnt to par. She told us that the medicine would not hurt him if in the long run he never had the QT. For now it is better to be safe than sorry.A week later we took him in to get his 8 weeks shots. Gavin is amazing when it comes to needles. He screams the instant he is poked and then afterwards acts like nothing even happened. He whined for a bit after all three of his shots but he drank a bottle and went right to sleep. We arrived home and gave him tylonol as needed throughout the next 48 hours for his fever. He is way more content with pain than i could ever be that is for sure! He has really learned how to talk in just the last couple weeks. There isnt any distinquished words yet as far as matt is concerned but I still think he says MA MA. He kicks and throws his arms about like maybe hes beating someone up or trying to runaway from home. Im not too sure what he trying to do but sometimes its amusing. He has definately found his hands to his mouth. He learned to suck on his hand, get it full of drool and wipe it all over his face. After soaking his face with his own drool we go to kiss him and we get his drool on our face. I have cought him smiling and giggling over it a time or two! As far as normality goes he is doing great. I thank God everyday because it could be alot worse than what were dealing with now. The stomache flu may be hard for the time being but its better than hospitilizations and the minor heart issues are very mild. Just think Before we know it he will be out in the woods hunting for his first buck. He already admires Matts first buck hanging on the wall. I told him one day soon you will get your very own. Matt thinks he will get one bigger than his and if he does i will be so proud. It will be mounted right next to daddys trophy buck. Its not the size, it is the effort and fun you put into it.