used and alone

i am exhausted beyond beleif. i ask for help but no one seems to care. i enjoy doing things myself but theres a time when i have to have help and thats when no one is found. i am up throughout the night and am expected to be up in wee morning hours as well. i never have any energy to do things for myself. everyone makes me do things they need done. when will this end? i love my son dearly but i cant do it all on my own. he must think i am a super mom and dont need any sleep. i want gavin in my arms all the time but i just cant spoil him like that. i am not a selfish person though many think i am. i would rather see everyone else happy and pleased, and this is why i have an attitude because theres nothing left for me. if they didnt have me around for a week they would understand what they never had to do. i would love to be happy and go have a good time with friends, if i had any, or family. when i have money its spent on everyone and i save myself for last. i need new clothes but i buy what they want instead of my needs. my feelings are never heard or at least never a concern. i just get trampled on over and over again. matt wonders why i have no friends, its not my attitude, its how they treat me. i talk to people that he knows i talk with my old friends but no one takes the step to do what they say. they mention going to hang but i never get called instead i am in the back row listening to how much fun they all had. it seems they are all against me, if they knew my inner self they would want me to join them. i have been stabbed too many times to just trust everyone i interact with. my heart has been broken and feels that it remains this way. matt shows little respect for me sometimes and it just hurts. he expects me to be around his mother that trampled me more than once. he doesnt understand or just thinks its funny, im not quite for sure. all he is good at is using people and making them feel of unimportance. oh, that sounds just like APRIL! i want so badly not to feel like everyones doormat, but i dont know if i will ever know what human feels like. i may not say nice things about people. i am nice to them but dont let them think i am their best friend and stab them in the back. i tell people what i think, it may take a lil bit but after it churns inside for so long i just cant help but to be brutally honest. no one even gives me a chance. i have made so many friends in the past but they never lasted more than three months before they were using me or stabbed me in the back. this is why i have given up and i am glad to be a loner sometimes. the only one i have here for me is matt, and half the time when i need him hes out with friends or doing who knows what.